In my time-lost coaching (I'm retired) I realized that one of the most difficult tasks is to manage people who suffer from victimization . And in the area I frequent, where people of a certain age often live, characters with these characteristics are very frequent.
Of course, I am not talking about real psychopathologies, such as paranoia or connected syndromes, but attitudes, often unconscious, sometimes episodic, but most of the times well rooted, which have conditioned and continue to condition the lives of those who are subjected to it, and unfortunately, even of those who live there together.
I wanted to be a dancer but I got married and I was forced to be a housewife. I could have aspired to become a manager but my bosses hindered me in every way. I would have liked to study but they sent me to work as a young man.
Passively accept the choices of others
Regret, the regret of having wasted opportunities, is a bitter feeling, painful and difficult to manage because at the bottom of it we can see our fault, or, if nothing else, our omission. The victim starts from this feeling that tears him apart and defends himself, since it is a very heavy burden to bear, he blames others for this situation.
He pulls out, assuming, precisely, the role of victim, of a person who has passively endured the choices of someone else and who now suffers unfairly. But are we sure that this is the case? Victimistic behavior is like implicitly admitting that we have not been able to make decisions or, worse, we have delegated to others (people, destiny, etc.) the power to control our lives.
Choosing is a gesture of freedom
Any person, unless he has serious health problems, is always responsible for what happens to him. Which in no way means that one should take on " the guilt ". On the contrary, each of us, in the face of certain life events, is able to choose the best way to face them and overcome them, choosing the solution that suits their real needs. He may also be wrong, of course, but he will have done so in full freedom and awareness.
Certainly we must take into account that we will have reactions, even harsh ones, to this behavior of ours, above all on the part of those who are close to us, used to our way of acting and irritated by everything that changes even a little their "quiet living" ".
Choosing, making a decision means becoming responsible, therefore taking charge of everything that can happen, including negative emotions, moments of tension, even upheavals in existing relationships. But these experiences, if experienced not as simple attitudes of revenge or revenge against someone or something, but as a conscious choice to improve oneself and one's life, will make us grow and understand that it is we, alone we, who are holding the reins of our existence and will help develop our self-esteem .
Can you stop being a victim?
Can the attitude of a victim be changed, especially when he has reached a certain age? The task is not easy because abandoning this attitude means handling situations that have long been sedimented in the depths of one's "self" and implies a drastic change in mentality and openness to a new vision of life, which, over the years, is always complex. However, never giving up, there are cases that confirm that this is possible at any age.
There is a path that, through the right questions and a careful self-analysis, tries to flush out all those episodes that have been archived by the subject such as obstacles, difficulties, boycotts aimed at preventing the realization of one's own autonomous choice and proceeding to a profound revision of the own lived. The persons or situations that determined them are identified, including the feelings and reactions that are the most obvious sign of the fact that we have delegated our responsibility to others: we speak of anger, hatred, jealousy, sadness, envy, etc.
It is possible, therefore, to weaken certain negative emotions and to find inner peace, balance and greater self-esteem. But only if, at the same time, you can look at the future with new eyes, if you discover how beautiful and stimulating it is to take your life in hand, make your own choices independently, have the strength, courage and, sometimes, the unconsciousness to risk. Because this is life, nothing else!
